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Think for a moment of your life and marriage as a blank canvas ready to be painted. What will determine whether it is a masterpiece or a horrible mess? Is it the color of the paint? Is it the condition of the canvas? Or is it the skill, inspiration and visualization of the artist? Yes, it’s the skill, inspiration and visualization that will determine the masterpiece.
You are the artist of your marriage and the quality of relationship you have is up to you. Just like a successful business, career, health and family are not built overnight, a successful marriage is not the result of luck. Luck is “Labouring Under Correct Knowledge”. Luck is when preparedness meets opportunity, and the opportunity to build the marriage you want has always been there. However, just as an artist needs the right tools to paint his masterpiece, we need the right attitude and emotional tools to paint your marriage masterpiece one brush stroke at a time.
Therefore, here are 3 fundamentals that will form your marriage by design.
1) Desire
You’ve got to have desire! Desire has power in it! The desire to have a satisfying, lasting and loving marriage rather than ‘wishing’ creates emotional muscle. A passionate and intense desire to have a ’marriage masterpiece’ and to do whatever it takes to attain it is the foundation of every great relationship. There is an immense difference between wishing or hoping for something and desiring something. We all know people who say, “I’d like to have a better job” OR “I’d like to maybe lose some weight” OR “I wish I could improve my relationship”. But simply wishing to do something is extremely weak.
Wishing will not give you the marriage you want. But desiring a marriage that you can call a masterpiece, then scheduling definite ways and means to acquire it and backing those plans with persistence, patience, understanding and compassion has more power than simply wishing or hoping.
2) Commitment
Many people don’t understand the power commitment holds. It might surprise you to know that many people are never in the marriage. Some of the unhappiest couples that we work with who have been married for 20, 30, 40 years have not committed themselves fully to the relationship. Yes, they exist in their marriage and their physical existence is present, but psychologically and emotionally they checked out years ago.
To get the most out of your marriage you must be fully prepared to invest yourself in it. Many people through past hurts like divorce find it a challenge to do this. The seriousness of true commitment goes way beyond the realm of your own relationship. Unfortunately in this day and age many see relationships as a ‘try-before-you-buy arrangement’. If you don’t like what you’ve got, then you dispose of it.
At best, marriage is now seen as a flimsy and brittle promise that is easily broken. But, an important point to remember is there is more riding on the success of your relationship than just you and your spouse.
Remember your children and the effects you’re having on them. Research shows more children end up being terrified, alone, needy, and somewhat disadvantaged as they follow the example of their parents and peers and cause the cycle to start all over again. So, take ownership and responsibility and learn the skills necessary to build a successful marriage for your own happiness and your children’s.
3) Decision
You could say that decision is closely related to commitment. One of the reasons we see such a huge divorce rate is through a lack of commitment, but it also has much to do with a lack of decision. Decision in the true sense means to cut off from any possibility of failure.
The common solution to an unhappy marriage, the one chosen by over fifty percent of all couples, is to divorce and start all over again with a new and hopefully better mate. But the statistics have proven to be even worse for the people who decide to start over and re-marry. Look to this: we already know that over 50% of marriages fail, but did you know that over 60% of second marriages fail and over 70% of third marriages fail!
Out of 10 couples that decide to divorce,
- 7 of them admit it was a mistake 2 years later.
- 5 years later 5 have remarried and divorced again.
- 10 years later only 1 person claims to be happy.
Understand that when you take you with you, most of the challenges you experienced in ‘marriage number 1’ will arise in ‘marriage number 2’. So you need to resolve the challenges within yourself and create a way of relating with your spouse that enhances the level of intimacy you share on a daily basis.
Points to Ponder
- One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is your own personal development. Life Motivations has many incredible programs that can get you on a new path.
- When you work on you first, the relationship will inevitably make a huge change for the better.
- When you make the decision, build the commitment and have the desire, you will be mentally and emotionally prepared to set a new standard for yourself and your marriage.
Dale & Livia Mercer are Speakers, Marriage Consultants and Authors of “The 10 Undeniable Marriage Needs.” Visit their website at www.10marriageneeds.com
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